Every day, many of us are on the internet for business and for pleasure, often times meeting people for one reason or another. Just as in the real world (or ‘IRL’ in chat terms), constant communication with someone of the opposite sex can lead to an emotional bond, a mutual attraction, and if left unchecked, into an affair.

An affair of the heart is an affair of the heart, no matter where the two hearts find each other.  Dr. Sheri Meyers, a licensed marriage and family therapy expert talks about the signs to watch for when you suspect your mate might be in the midst of a cyber affair.

Have you or someone you know every experienced a partner in the midst of an online affair? Do you have any additional suggestions on how to handle dealing with the affair?

You’ve found this wonderful person that you adore.  They make you smile even when you don’t want to; they genuinely care about your well being; you share common interests without dominating each other’s lives; you even share common goals.  You’ve spent a few months or maybe even many years together and although you love them, and all these things about them, the bright shinny penny has gone dull and the dynamics of the relationship just aren’t what they use to be anymore.

The loving hugs and whisperings of sweet nothings are turning into scowls and tongue lashings.  Where did it all go wrong?  What went overlooked that turned this fantasy of a relationship into a dark, dismal existence between two people?

When you’ve failed to notice, or have exhibited one or a few of these relationship destroying habits you are bound to see your newlywed type love tumble down.

1. Poor communication – known as the one of the top reasons the current divorce rate is in the 40-50% range, poor communication cripples relationships because you can’t please or mate or expect them to please you if you both are talking and no one is listening.  Not just hearing, but actually listening.  Did you realize there was a very distinct difference between listening and hearing?
2. Jealousy – While everyone is entitled to each and every feeling they feel, there aren’t any actions that rise from jealousy that are enhance any relationship.  Hostility, negativity, and animosity only cloud your judgment and lead not only to detrimental actions, but in worst case scenario dangerous and deadly actions.
3. Playing the blame game – In any form of conflict resolution, it is often recommended o focus less on what the other person is doing and more on what your own actions have been.  This self awareness allows both parties to take responsibility for their own actions and adjust accordingly.  The finger pointing of the blame game focuses on everyone around you except the person the three fingers are pointing back at while pointing to the accused.

From a romantic standpoint these habits are likely to lead to a physical or emotional disconnection (read: infidelity).  However, the negative effects of these habits aren’t limited solely romantic relationships; any relationship with anyone, be it friends, family, and lovers’ alike stand to fail when these habits find their way in.
Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open and observant.  By no means are these signals to retreat and head for the hills, but they are red flags that can and should be addressed when you feel that the love is worth holding onto and you and your significant other are willing to dig in and put in the necessary work to repair what has been broken.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

- Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

Over the next week, I’m going to touch deeper into this quote because it perfectly describes what love is; not the lovey-dovey, smoochy “I’m so in love with you!” love, but the down and dirty, behind closed doors “I love you, but I don’t like you”,  fussing and fighting for our lives love.  The difference between those loves is half the difference between divorce and staying together.

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, “I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.”
-Ann Landers

What’s keeping you down? Do you know you are bigger and better and capable of defeating it? Some times we need to hear what we know to be true from someone else. It rings a little truer that way. Life is hard; life is not always fair; but isn’t the reward of the many times that it is good to you worth the hard parts?

Release your burdens, your difficult and ‘unfair’ moments. Let them out to people who really care and let them love and confort you back into a place where you know in your head and feel in your heart that you are capable of anything and everything.